Review: Furious Seven

First of all, yes I know it is all over the media and elsewhere as "Furious 7", but I did note that the number was spelled as a word in the title card of the actual movie.  So while I be pedantic, why don't the rest of you just pretend you know what I'm talking about.

As far as the franchise goes, I saw the first one, and ma-a-a-a-be the second one.  I knew there had been more, but frankly I had no idea that this was the seventh.  Fortunately, there didn't seem to be any requirement to have seen... well, any of the previous ones because A) I effectively didn't remember anything about the ones I had seen and B) gratuitous flashbacks bring you up to speed on the salient points as required.  (Or as required by the editor's need to fill time slash band-aid over Paul Walker's inclusive exclusion or something.)

Anyways, any complaint about this movie can be explained away with the phrase "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"

For example:

• The dialogue is terrible. "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"
• The plot is ridiculous where it exists at all. "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"
• I don't understand where all these cars that the characters blow up come from.  "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"
• The attempts to band-aid over the band-aiding of Paul Walker's death made the whole thing seem uneven.  "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"
• Kinda too shooty-shooty-bang-bang for my tastes.  "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"
• Why is Furious Seven showing in all four of the large-format theaters at Landmark simultaneously?  "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"
• My popcorn is kind of stale here.  "Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?"

See?  So it kind of makes the whole "review" idea superfluous.

Hey, it's a Fast And Furious franchise movie, what do you want?